humour

The Monks who brew

In ancient India, Soma was the preferred drink of the Devas and the Asuras. They fought a lot of wars for possessing this valued drink. It was so popular that it is praised in many hymns in the Vedas. 

Not much is known now about its manufacturing process however it is thought that it was made from some hallucinogenic Himalayan plant. The supreme Indra is said to have enjoyed drinking Soma to his heart’s content. 

It is not known whether the Rishis made it or someone else but now that knowledge is lost, maybe for ever.

But not to worry as in today’s world, the monks have taken to brewing beer and this beer is for the common man like you and me. 

Yes! 

These Belgian monks have been brewing, what is known as Trappist beer but they have certain rules for their customers. The customers cannot resell the beer; it is for their own consumption. 

The monks have a well defined process of selling their beer. People can order by phone and can collect a maximum of two crates in person. But due to its limited availability this beer is comparatively expensive. 

Precisely the reason why it piqued the interest of middlemen. They saw cool profits by selling it in the black market. Or to make it a part of legitimate business. Just like a famous Dutch supermarket did, by selling it at inflated prices. And they had been able to stock a staggering 7200 bottles! How? How was a company able to buy in such volumes?

This question caused them sleepless nights and they had to take steps to overcome this commercialisation of their non-profit venture, which was meant to cover the annual costs of running their abbey.

So they have stopped phone bookings and turned to a more efficient and customer friendly online reservation system. Under this system the customers will have to give their Aadhar card details, or rather, their address and car number, as they stay in Europe. And a single buy will be limited to two crates of beer for a period of 60 days. Priority will be to those who have waited the most since their last purchase.

And no, the Trappist beer is not expected to be sold in the near future in India. We don’t have any Belgian monks… otherwise I was already imagining a few Indians reading this, sharpening their Aadhar Cards for booking a crate or two and swiping their credit cards.

Yatindra Tawde

humour

Driverless…

Driving around, loaded, had another connotation. It meant, driving under the influence, which resulted in a spell in the lockup.

In many cases it is very dangerous for the people sleeping on the road side, as some Cine Stars and a few rich people with their fancy cars, are very well aware.

But here, my subject is different. It involves the latest craze, driverless cars. Or rather, the heavy weight category, the trucks. Yes, driverless trucks!!

The first driverless truck was put into service after umpteen trials, in, where else, the United States of America!

And imagine what would be its cargo. Hundreds of bottles of beer!!

Why would anybody take a chance with beer?

Why risk invaluable beer for the inaugural driverless drive of a truck.

I mean, they could have used some other cargo, as a bait. Maybe, useless stuff like vegetables or grains. But no, they had to transport beer.

If, God forbid, the driverless truck had met with an accident. Then all the madira would have gone down the drain, to bestow unexpected happy hours to the denizens of the underworld.

But surprise! The driverless truck had a smooth journey to its destination, 200 km. away at a very safe speed of 83 km/hr.

The task of transportation without a driver is achieved by a placement of assorted cameras and sensors all around the outside of the truck, giving it a 360 degree exposure.

The sensors constantly sense the distance of the truck from any other physical object in its vicinity and the cameras give it vision.

In the inaugural journey there was a driver, who remained in a non-driving position well away from the steering wheel. His function was to take over, only in case of an emergency or in case the various auto functions of the truck went kaput.

Ultimately, he was proved to be an extra where the hero of the day was the driverless truck, gently escorting the coy beer from the factory to the waiting hands of the beer-bellied denizens of America.

But I shudder to even contemplate about the same scenario in India.

At least, such fragile cargos , like beer bottles will not be transported through the driverless trucks.

For one, there are too many desperadoes in the prohibition states who will find out all the weaknesses of such transport.

They will immediately grasp the weakness that such trucks will stop in case they come in front of it. And by the time the road is cleared again, the beer bottles would all have been escorted out from the back of the truck leading to the celebration of the happiest hours by all the forced non-drinking drunkards.

So let’s see how the driverless transport story unfolds in India.

Yatindra Tawde

humour, Travel, Uncategorized

Happy hours on Mars

My happiness knows no bounds. A few weeks back I had announced about my ticket to Mars. What? Don’t tell me, you don’t know!

After all, that news broke the internet. You can read about it all, here…A Ticket to Mars

But coming back to the reason for my happiness. As I opened the morning newspaper today, on one of the inside pages, was a news which should ideally have been printed on the cover page. Yes, it really deserved that honour.

One of the leading Beer brands has announced that it is planning to be the first to introduce Beer on Mars. It would certainly make me feel at home.

As you know barley is a key ingredient in the manufacture of beer. So, the next mission to the International Space Station would carry this valuable load of barley seeds to the station, which is being thoughtfully rocketed to the space station by this leading brand. How indebted we astronauts are! After all, nothing beats beer in making us feel at home, in the weightless conditions of deep space.

These barley seeds will then stay in space for a period of one month. Experiments will be conducted to study the effects of the microgravity environment on the seeds. The results of this experiments will be analysed back in Earth and the first steps would have been taken to make Space, a happy place.

And Mars will have the first pioneering potbellied astronauts with a Lager in hand.

Hic!!

Yatindra Tawde

Fiction, humour, Uncategorized

Loaded Driving, hic…

Driving around, loaded, had another connotation. It meant, driving under the influence, which resulted in a spell in the lockup. In many cases it is very dangerous for the people sleeping on the road side, as some Cine Stars and a few rich people with their fancy cars, are very well aware. But here, my subject is different. It involves the latest craze, driverless cars. Or rather, the heavy weight category, the trucks. Yes, driverless trucks!!

Yesterday the first driverless truck was put into service after umpteen trials, in, where else, the United States of America! And imagine what would be its cargo. Hundreds of bottles of beer!! Why would anybody take a chance with beer? Why risk invaluable beer for the inaugural driverless drive of a truck. I mean, they could have used some other cargo, as a bait. Maybe, useless stuff like vegetables or grains. But no, they had to transport beer. If, God forbid, the driverless truck had met with an accident. Then all the madira would have gone down the drain, to bestow unexpected happy hours to the denizens of the underworld. But surprise! The driverless truck had a smooth journey to its destination, 200 km. away at a very safe speed of 83 km/hr. The task of transportation without a driver is achieved by a placement of assorted cameras and sensors all around the outside of the truck, giving it a 360 degree exposure. The sensors constantly sense the distance of the truck from any other physical object in its vicinity and the cameras give it vision. In the inaugural journey there was a driver, who remained in a non-driving position well away from the steering wheel. His function was to take over, only in case of an emergency or in case the various auto functions of the truck went kaput. Ultimately, he was proved to be an extra where the hero of the day was the driverless truck, gently escorting the coy beer from the factory to the waiting hands of the beer-bellied denizens of America.

But I shudder to even contemplate about the same scenario in India. At least, such fragile cargos , like beer bottles will not be transported through the driverless trucks. For one there are too many desperadoes in the prohibition states who will find out all the weaknesses of such transport. They will immediately grasp the weakness that such trucks will stop in case they come in front of it. And by the time the road is cleared again, the beer bottles would all have been escorted out from the back of the truck leading to the celebration of the happiest hours by all the forced non-drinking drunkards. So let’s see how the driverless transport story unfolds in India.

Yatindra Tawde