Category: humour

Lagaan

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

For the Bollywood challenged, Lagaan is tax. And I am not talking about Income tax, for tax can be on anything under the Sun. But even then, I was not prepared for this.

New Zealand, a heaven on earth, is known for its dairy farming, agriculture and wool. Since these dominate their exports too, huge percentage of its people are into these businesses. Which means, after humans, cows and sheep make up a majority of the country’s fauna.

The people had slumbered into a state of bliss when the government decided to shake things up. Due to the millions of cows and sheep across the countryside, they naturally release tons of greenhouse gases. These need to be controlled to slow down the warming of earth’s surface.

So the government decided to tax the burps and farts of the cattle. Imagine! There’s a serious meeting going on in the highest echelons of power when suddenly someone burps or someone farts on the job, and Eureka! Let’s tax those, says someone. And a law gets passed.

The people were pissed. However they were told to charge more for climate-friendly products, whichever they are. Cheers to that they said and gorged on climate-unfriendly food and burped away to glory.

However, the global consumers of New Zealand’s climate-friendly dairy products were not amused. In India the consumers protested. Indians are known to be creative in everything they do. It was not different this time.

They threw a big party for their own formidable cattle force and a gigantic feast was arranged. They were fed the most gas inducing nuts in addition to the usual hay. And the result was a symphony of earth shuddering burps and farts which shook the neighbourhood and resulted in an Ozone hole overhead.

However, some enterprising Indians are now exporting cattle fart depressors to New Zealand and are laughing all the way to the bank.

Yatindra Tawde

Image courtesy unsplash.com and Leopold Maitre

A book review- A Second Cup of Tea

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

Book Title – A Second Cup of Tea

Author – Various

Publisher – The  Hive

A second cup of tea by The Hive Publishers is a fantastic offering of a variety of stories, ranging from rib-tickling humour to feel-good tales to stories which would bring happy tears to the reader’s eye and tug at the heartstrings.

Talking of humour which happens to be my favourite genre, The Cupidian Catastrophe by Pallavi Sawant-Uttekar occupies the numerous uno position. I loved it.  I admire the way the story is written, neither going over-the-top nor crossing the boundaries of below-the-belt humour but still managing to make me guffaw loudly.

Nothing Fishy about it by Narayani Manapadam is rocking hilarious. Not for nothing am I a die-hard fan of this amazing author. A love story set in a Bengalee social setting of a docile son and his overbearing Maa and rounded off with a beautiful suitor, the author weaves her magic to make it a breezy read.

Another humorous offering which caught my attention and made me grin like a cheshire cat while reading, was The Chronicle of Concurrent Anniversaries by Dakshata Kudanekar. This story finds humour in the most mundane domestic tasks which got amplified during the work from home Covid times. Of course, another reason for liking it, is that the writing is very similar to the style of yours truly.

Never Alone by Khushboo Shah is a delightful story where the humble cutlery comes alive to narrate a charming tale of a lonely widow and conspire to banish her loneliness.

I happened to glance at the name, ‘Hampi’ in one of the stories and was intrigued. Hampi is one of my most favourite places in India so I started reading the story with extra interest. Roots among the Rocks by Srivalli Rekha is a sublime story of seeking and finding one’s roots.

The Second Anniversary by Nepomanjaree and the Second Proposal by Gowri Bhargav touched me with their effortless narration and pathos.

Which brings me to GAR! Chu Yatee! By Shweta Mathur Lall. Such a beautiful story of old friends rendered apart by suspicion and mistrust during the most unfortunate and sad episode of Indian history.

Rama’s Choice by Ramanjaneya Sharaph and The Nightingale of the Round Table by Luisa Kay Reyes  spin an alternate narrative of historical tales with aplomb and one must appreciate the authors for attempting them.

These and the other charming stories make A Second Cup of Tea a must read and I found this Second round of Tea an upgrade over the previous Tea with a drop of Honey.

Yatindra Tawde

 

Featured

The Exports

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

The country is known for its Exports; the export of its talented human resources. Most of the Top 50 Organizations are headed by Indians. That certainly makes you feel proud.

Then there are some other exports who make a name for themselves by some other means, not always on the better side of law.

Riding a car on the wrong side of the road! Isn’t this an euphemism for breaking laws? Well an Indian lady did just that on the distant roads of England.

England.

A country, which over the years, has seen unprecedented influx of immigrants from its ex-colonies, especially from the Indian subcontinent. They move to a western country in the hope of making a better future for themselves.

While a few take the route of higher education followed by a good job to settle in a new country, a big number are from the labour class.

While most from the Indian subcontinent are comfortable with the English language due to a more than 150 year legacy, there are quite a few who struggle with the A, B, C’s of it.

But they don’t let this small inconvenience be a setback to their dreams. They work hard towards making a better life for themselves and one of the signs of progress is buying a car to move around the new country.

This is when their struggles start.

To begin with, their authorities are stricter during the actual test. But the theory test is no walkover either. Those English examiners can be quite intimidating while asking questions, and especially the accent can be confusing if your language skills are so-so.

Here’s where the lady saw an opportunity for herself .

She happened to be a good driver and possessed good language skills, backed by confidence. She made her move.

By the time she had been caught red-handed, she had more than a century of driving tests, both theoretical and practical, to her discredit. While it is alleged that impersonation is a common offense at quite a few Indian RTO’s, it was a new experience for the English. Hence she made the front page in their newspapers.

While she was driving away to glory, she managed to make a cool crore for herself. But now she will cool her hard working heels inside an English lockup.

 

Yatindra Tawde

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 minute noodles…a recipe for divorce

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so goes an old saying. After the first flush of love…nay, after the first lust of love is over, what remains is how a couple look after their roost. While the man is expected to master the intricacies of shopping and help about at home, he expects his wife to look after their children as well as the child in him. Cooking delicious meals for the family is a part of the essential skills which a woman should possess. Of course, nowadays she is also expected to add to the family coffers by going out to work. That’s why women are the goddesses of multitasking.  But that is subject for another writeup.

A man married a suitable girl. She was a complete package, pleasant looks and good education. But what clinched the deal for him was the added information shared by his would-be father-in-law that she was a fast cook; that she could conjure up tasty meals within 2 minutes. Since he was a busy person he was impressed, now that he wouldn’t have to wait for the meals to be prepared.

On their first day together, after a night of frolicking under the sheets, she prepared the first meal, a breakfast in literally 2 minutes. A bowl of noodles! Being totally satiated in the night the man indulged his wife, thinking that she must be tired due to their antics. Then the fun began. A bowl of noodles followed for lunch and rounded off with yet another bowl of noodles for dinner.  And then the cycle continued every day.

Once the passion of early married life evaporated, the man was finally struck by realization. His wife was a one-trick pony. The secret of 2 minute meals was noodles and that’s all that she could prepare  to feed him.

Since she could no longer find a way to his heart through his stomach, he made his decision. He filed for a divorce. To his surprise and relief, the judge too believed in 2 minutes justice and the divorce was granted in a jiffy.

Last heard, the man is looking for a new wife and his only condition is for her to be a great cook serving a variety to the satisfaction of his culinary tastes.

Yatindra Tawde

 

They came, they saw…they burped

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

They arrived at the boundary.

This was the same area where their forefathers had frolicked through the wild foliage.

Now they saw nothing but a tall structure with small openings which the current dwellers referred to as windows and galleries. The couple was used to seeing the current dwellers, though similar in appearance but having colourful skins, in the pond premises nearby. The current dwellers were curious about them and fed them random food. And the couple and their friends welcomed these colourful dwellers due to easy availability of food.

However the couple was most curious about the tall structures and dreamed of raiding them.

Thus today they were at the boundary where they faced their first hurdle. Upon reaching the boundary 3-4 ferociously barking dogs welcomed them with a cacophonic chorus. But the couple wasn’t afraid for they had full confidence in their own gymnastic abilities. For, in no time, they had crossed their first hurdle, though it was hurtful to their ears.

The next hurdle was some tall dweller in drab skin, carrying a long stick. They teased him by flicking the cap over his head and then showing him their behind. As he ran behind them, the pipes on the tall structure came to their rescue and soon they had climbed to the fifth floor. For a brief while, they let their legs and tail dangle over the parapet and enjoyed the view of the pond, from that height. They had reached so high for the first time in their lives and one of them started having a vertigo induced swoon. He tried to grab hold of something and in his haste, managed to push a window open. That made his partner curious about the inside of the dwelling and he jumped up to look into the window.

He gestured his partner to come and have a look and both of them were itching to enter inside. This went on for a few moments when they looked inside and glanced at each other and then again looked inside.

When, for a longest time they saw no movement, one of them jumped inside with the other quickly following behind.

Their sharp nose and eager eyes darting across the room, quickly espied…FOOD!

MANGOES!

For the next few moments all hell broke loose as a lot of mangoes were consumed in a wild frenzy, the skin ripped off violently.

Soon they got tired of the dark, stuffy surrounding inside and made their way out of the same window, feeling the air flowing through their fur. They occupied their favourite space on the parapet and…burped.

Friends, that’s what happens when you live close to a wood. You never know which one of your wilderness friends would pay you an unwanted visit. It can be your tree dwelling cousins like the ones in the above story, sometimes it’s the turn of slithering serpents and rarely the graceful cats come looking for street dogs.

The human species experiences such hair-rasing events all across the world with the boundaries getting blurred on an increasing basis.

Yatindra Tawde

A cultured job

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

The quartet reached the planned destination for the night. While they were fully prepared with all the paraphernalia required for the job, they had also readied the other equally important kit.

Two of them stood on the road, facing in opposite directions. They were the lookouts, whose job was to warn of any upcoming dangers, while the other two took out the lock cutter. With a mighty heave the lock was broken and no one had seen them do it. Taking that as a sign of good luck, they thanked themselves on thinking about the Almighty before embarking on a new task. Surely, He was the one who had manipulated the stars in their favour.

The shutter was opened and with a quick glance in all directions, all four rushed inside, pulling the shutter down behind them. Sitting down with their heads bowed, they uttered a quick prayer. One of them reached into the rucksack they had brought and out came a photograph of a deity which was placed on a desk, with great reverence. Then, out came a spear, a lock cutter, keys, and assortment of other equipment. These were placed before the deity’s photo. Then another reached into his pockets and out came agarbatti, matchsticks, etc. The agarbatti was tucked into the holder, the dhoop was lighted and they started praying in unison. After applying tikka on each other’s forehead, they prostrated themselves in front of the deity.

Once the blessings were taken, they finally got down to do the job at hand.

The next morning, the owner of the financial institution bent down to open the shutters, he got the shock of his life. For, the locks outside were broken. Upon going inside he found the lockers open and gold and cash was gone. In front of the lockers a moustachioed deity smiled back at him from a photo. A spear kept on a desk pointed at him menacingly. A paper lay on the desk. “Don’t try to find me. It won’t be good”, it said. With shaking, sweating palms,  the owner reached for the telephone. “Hello, Police”.

Friends, this isn’t my imagination working on overdrive. It happens only in India, where before commencing any work, we bow before the Almighty. It seems, the robbers were very culturally informed, if not anything else. Last known, they are yet to be traced.

Yatindra Tawde

Valuable Coins

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

I come from an era when 5 paisa coins used to fetch a few candies in my childhood. Coins ranging from 1 paisa to Rs. 1 were always lying in a small purse in the Godrej cupboard. Come the 90’s and coins upto 25 paise started disappearing from circulation. 50 paise coins met the same fate in 2000’s. Come 2022 and there are all indications that the time is up for 1 rupee coins. How wrong I was.

State of Tamil Nadu. City Salem.

A van drives into the compound of a high end bike showroom. A man gets off the van and enters the showroom. He meets the salesman and selects his dream bike. A bank agent stationed in the showroom approaches our man, offering a loan. Our man brushes him off, saying that he would buy the bike with his hard earned cash in one go. The happy salesman guides our man to the cash counter. Our man makes his offer. The cashier’s jaw drops to the floor. So does the salesman’s.
No way, they say.
It’s my way or the highway says our man.
The Manager has a word with our man. Then he relents. For the first time since he came into the showroom, our man smiles. He shouts for his friends. The friends get down from the van; one opens the van door. A wheelbarrow comes out. Two other friends start loading it. With 1 rupee coins. There are thousands, nay, lacs of coins and they are unending. Finally the van is emptied.
The store Manager is sweating. He deputes one cashier…then another. Then he requests our man and his friends to help. They oblige. That way, our man is quite considerate.
Thus, our man made news with his unique purchase and made a viral YouTube video as an added bonus.

Yatindra Tawde
 

A step dragged

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

First published on ArtoonsInn

His face contorted into a grimace and he went still suddenly. One shoulder drooped while the other touched his ear. One leg stretched sideways and then he dragged his other leg towards the first without bending it. And just like a child rubs his chocked-up nose with the back his palm, he gestured similarly near his throat.

His bedridden grandmother watched all this from her cot, horror writ large on her crinkled face.

“Ohh…my poor Bunnu. Paralysis…he…he is paralysed. Help! Bunnu Ki maa…please, oh please come here fast. Bunnu is getting paralysis attack. Come fast”, she screamed at the top of her voice.

Supriya, Bunnu’s mother, who was cutting Bhindi, cut her own finger in her hurry to get up and rush into the bedroom. She put her finger into her mouth to stop the blood flow, thinking that her mother-in-law is getting a paralysis attack. But no, it cannot be, nobody would announce their own paralysis to the world at the top of their voice. It’s not biologically possible. But nothing is beyond the old witch, she thought to herself. Then she remembered mother-in-law mentioning Bunnu and she froze. What has he got into, this time. She remembered the last time he had come home howling in pain, his hand bent in the opposite direction. It had cost time and lots of money to set it right.

When she barged into the bedroom she saw her MIL sitting upright in the cot. The witch lives, she thought to herself regretfully. Then she saw her Bunnu rolling on the floor with laughter. She had one mind to throw whatever was in her hand at Bunnu, but then she remembered that she was carrying her Bhindi cutting knife and controlled herself.

“What has come over you, Maa? Why did you shout so? Do you know how petrified I was? And you Bunnu? Why are you laughing like a madman?”, Supriya rattled off her questions like a machine-gun.

“Oh Maa. It was hilarious. I was dancing the Pushpa step and Badi Maa had the look of pure horror on her face and then she shouted. Oh Badi Maa, you are so cute. I love you.” And he embraced his grandmother warmly.

The grandmother just shrugged in mock anger and turning her face away from him said, “Is this how a grandchild treats his grandmother? You act paralysed and ask me to remain calm? How can I remain calm if I think that you are having some serious medical problem?”

Then turning to him and scrunching up her nose she said, “And you call this a dance. You should have seen Bhagwan dance. So graceful, so cute…what are you looking at me like that. Bhagwan was the greatest Matinee hero. You know…”

And so Supriya left the two blessed souls exchanging their generational anecdotes to attend to her cut finger and to be cut Bhindi.

Folks, this might be the scenario in more than one household in India which is currently in the throes of a Telugu language movie and more specifically, a song in that movie.

Yatindra Tawde

 

 

The Rampwalk

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

 First published on ArtoonsInn

The name is Rocky, you must have heard about me. I am a famous runner and last year’s winner of the annual races which take place near Pune. In fact I have won these races three years in a row.

When I enter the arena the crowd goes berserk with whistles and claps. I make their adrenaline flow. I am just itching to be at the races this year too, wearing my favourite silk clothes, lovingly woven for me by my mother.

But hey! What is this I hear? The races this year are being canceled just because of some wave! Guys, this is Pune, no wave can reach so far inland. But then the authorities who give the permissions are serious. They don’t want any deaths due to waves, they say. The race organizers are exasperated.  But their hands are tied and they are forced to announce the cancelation.

I sulk…but I sulk well. Seeing me sulking in a corner, hardly chewing the cud, my brother Pandurang Patil has a brilliant idea. He knows that I thrive on spectator feedback and his ticking brain comes up with an unique idea. He discusses with the organizers and a day is decided. And my practice starts in preparation for the D-day.

Finally the day dawns. I am bathed from head to toe. The oil massage is a luxury. I enjoy being pampered thus.

Like every year my mother dresses me in the best silks. I enter the arena. As I enter, I look at the camera mounted near the entry and nod my head in acknowledgement, just like brother Pandurang has taught me. In fact it is he, dressed in his best clothes, who is leading me to the arena. I hear whistles and claps though no one can be seen.

A long, clean walkway stretches before me. The walkway is bedecked with flower petals. As all cameras point towards the walkway, Pandurang leads me along the red carpet. I walk majestically behind him, my head held high. As we reach the end of the walkway,  Pandurang turns around. As I follow him, I see other fellow runners,  walking behind me.

Yes, you guessed it right. We are the models on a rampwalk, not seen before in these parts of India. But as they say, there’s always the first time and soon I am declared the winner of the rampwalk competition.

Pandurang is ecstatic with my win, especially since it has fetched him a handsome reward of Rs. 50,000/-

 

Friends, that’s how the annual cattle races were successfully converted to online rampwalk where the bulls walked and everyone enjoyed the gathering online, without crowding at the races, like every year. The  bull owners too were satisfied, especially given the fact that they take these annual races seriously, where preparations start atleast three months in advance.

And what about the bulls, you ask? Well, they moo’ed their way to online glory, without breaking into a sweat.

Yatindra Tawde

Picture credit- Anand Thakur and unsplash.com

When the snake bit

On By itsmylife126In humourLeave a comment

First published on The Hive Publishers

A snake committed sacrilege by biting the Demi-God of millions of Bollywood fans and it became trending news for days together. But the Demi-God overcame this setback, very much like the innumerable larger than life characters he plays with aplomb,  on the silver screen.

It so happened that the Demi-God was visiting his farmhouse, which happens to be his second home, and stumbled upon the snake enjoying the cozy abode in the Hero’s absence. Being the hero that he is, he decided to take matters into his own, capable hands instead of calling ‘Friends of reptiles’ who specialize in catching such vagabond reptiles and releasing them into fast depleting jungles. The Hero, being inexperienced in such matters, fumbled with the slithering snake, which bit him not once but thrice. And hopefully it managed to survive this love bite. There is a huge debate going on, whether it was poisonous or not. As per the Hero himself, it was of poisonous orientation.

Meanwhile, some four-legged creatures were found celebrating this unfortunate incident in their parched jungle but the celebrations were short-lived as the jungle authorities cracked down on them by releasing the video of the Hero’s triumphant release from the hospital, waving and throwing air kisses to his umpteen fans.

Last heard, the four-legged creatures have gone into hiding, staying far away from the windshield vision of the Hero.

Yatindra Tawde

Photo credit – David Code, unsplash.com